Couldn’t be me

His head was throbbing, so he knew he had done something wild last night. He downed the cup of water that he always placed there for such an occasion before lying back down again, trying to retrace the steps of the night before.

He had gone out with Jansen and the gang last night. They did their pre-drinks and had gone off to the new club that had recently opened. Then it hit him. Images of downed shots, lights flashing as he grabbed a girl and kissed her, desperately wanting it to be Kim, hoping that she could fill that gap in his life. Then…

Marcus picked up his phone and scrolled through the new messages. Four, more than usual this time.

“Dude, you okay man? We need to talk about things when you’re awake. Call me.”

“Wtf M! You owe me one for wht happened last nite.”

“I don’t know if you remember anything but you have to call us ASAP.”

“Fuck you. How the fuck could you do that? How the fuck could you rape that girl? Dude you’re fucked up man. You need help.”

He read the last message over and over again, disgusted with himself. He remembered fully what had transpired as she pushed him away just as Kim had done when they broke up. He had grabbed her on the wrist and pulled her back, and suddenly she had no longer been some girl, she was the one he so desperately chased after, wanting… hoping…

And he had crossed the line when he had pushed her down when she had left and tore her clothes off, had slapped her to silence her cries that reminded him of Kim’s voice when she had been sad and he had comforted him…

He lay back down, staring at the ceiling, hating himself for not feeling the guilt and embarrassment that he should feel. He knew it was wrong, knew that he should not have done that, and yet he wondered if she could forgive him if he told her… if she could understand why…

So he lay there for the rest of the morning, wondering if he was a monster.

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